Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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