I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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