In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
