Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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