Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
