I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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