i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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