Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
