Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
