i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
