were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
