Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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