then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
