I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
