Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize