see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
