I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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