Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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