Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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