So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
