Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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