He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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