I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
