i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
