dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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