I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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