need another drink. this is the easiest way
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize