if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize