I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
