I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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