Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
