My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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