12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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