Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
