Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
