Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
