I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
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