I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
