you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
