just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
