I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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