i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
