I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
