my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
