this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
