I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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