Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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