i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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