Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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