alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
