He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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