I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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