you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
