fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
