In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
