i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
