your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
