There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Randomize