My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
