i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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