my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
