I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
All I want is dick and wine.
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