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soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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