I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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