don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
