When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
