I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
