Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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